Friday, August 15, 2014

Belle Pt 2

It has been over a year since my last blog post went up.  And what a year it has been.  Since that blog post, Madeline and I got engaged and married, we took a honeymoon.  I started a startup with my friend Jason, and Madeline got pregnant (we are expecting the arrival of the littlest Bernard in November).  I have many things to be thankful for.

But none of that changes my feelings about Belle.  I still think about her every day, I'm still sad every day, I'm still trying to come to terms with this, by now, fairly old tragedy. I've read a lot of articles on pet loss and grieving.  All of it is good advice.  I particularly liked The Pet Loss Companion book.  But none of this makes it any easier.

I've combed through all of my old pictures and social media feeds for pictures of her, and I just can't find many.  I think many of them might be on my camera or on my old phone, because I know I took more pictures of her.  I have thought about her final days often, and I continue to feel insanely guilty about that last final trip.  What could've been more important than staying with her in her last final moments?  Of course, if I had known then what I know now, I never would've left.

I've finally gotten to a place where I can think about her and talk about her sometimes without completely shutting down, but the loss is endless, its something I'll have to keep that in my heart forever.

I think the reason I've attached to her so strongly is my long years in Seattle.  Feeling like she was my only true friend (which she wasn't) really let me rely on her presence as a crutch.  I'm so lucky to have so many good people in my life right now, but she was with me at my lowest, and I wanted to be with her at her lowest too.

I always knew she would die one day, but the guilt I feel over her death is powerful and still consumes me.

I've thought a bunch about bringing another dog into my life.  I still don't know if that is such a good idea, but I think if I lived in a place that allowed it, it would already be done.  Unfortunately, the world is what it is, and I'm left shouting my pain into the darkness.

I don't really think this is a great post, but I sorta felt I needed to write it.  Hopefully I can get back to happier posts soon.